Adultery is a grievous sin that goes against God’s design for marriage. The Bible has strong words against adultery and clearly prohibits it (Exodus 20:14, Proverbs 6:32, Hebrews 13:4). However, even in situations of adultery, God’s grace, forgiveness and restoration are available to those who repent.
So what should you do if you have committed adultery? Here are some biblical principles to consider:
Confession and repentance before God is essential
If you have committed adultery, the first step is to confess your sin before God and ask for His forgiveness (1 John 1:9). This requires fully acknowledging the wrongness of your actions, having godly sorrow, and making a decision to turn away from your sin (2 Corinthians 7:10). Admitting your adultery to God is essential to receive His cleansing and be restored to righteousness.
King David is a good example of someone who sinned grievously before God through adultery yet received God’s mercy when he confessed and repented from his heart (Psalm 51, 2 Samuel 11-12). God stands ready to forgive all who come to Him in true repentance.
Consider carefully whether to confess to your spouse
When it comes to telling your spouse about an act of adultery, wisdom and godly counsel are needed. Some experts advise disclosing it in all cases to promote openness and healing. However, others suggest considering factors like the likelihood of reconciliation, potential for violence or retaliation, and protecting children before disclosure.
The Bible does not directly command disclosing adultery to a spouse. Some point to James 5:16 which says “confess your sins to one another,” but this is in the context of Christian brothers and sisters praying for and restoring those who have wandered from the truth, not marriage relationships per se.
Jesus emphasized the importance of forgiveness in marriage, even in situations of repeated grievous sexual sin (Matthew 18:21-22). Thus for some couples, choosing to forgive without demanding details of past failings may be the wisest path forward. The emphasis should be on genuine repentance, rebuilding trust and protecting the precious union.
Focus on real repentance and change
More important than simply confessing adultery is demonstrating true repentance through changed attitudes and behaviors going forward. This includes rejecting any rationalizations for your sin, cutting off contact with the person you committed adultery with, being willing to be accountable and submitting to counseling or mentorship if needed.
Your spouse will be looking for tangible evidence of real life change, not mere words of apology. As 1 John 1:6 says, “If we claim to have fellowship with him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie.” Deeds must match words for trust to be rebuilt in the relationship.
Rely on God’s strength and wisdom daily
Forgiveness and healing after adultery are a process. Both you and your spouse will need God’s ongoing strength and wisdom daily. “Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need” (Hebrews 4:16).
God is able to restore broken marriages and use even the most tragic sins for good, if we submit to His lordship. “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose” (Romans 8:28).
Surround yourself with godly counselors who will help you take responsibility for your wrong actions and also believe God for grace to move forward. “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds” (Psalm 147:3).
Implement safeguards and boundaries to prevent future failure
An essential part of repentance and restoration after adultery is identifying what led to the sin in the first place, and setting up strong safeguards and boundaries to prevent it from happening again. This may involve reducing or eliminating contact with certain individuals, installing internet filters and accountability software, avoiding compromising situations and traveling only with your spouse.
Proverbs 4:23 says to “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” Take deliberate steps to guard your heart and strengthen your marriage. Small compromises lead to great falls. God can empower you to live in purity if you rely on Him.
Move forward in sincere love and service
The best way to demonstrate repentance is not just through words, but sincere acts of love and service to your spouse. As 1 Peter 4:8 reminds us, “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.”
Look for tangible ways you can serve your spouse each day, lift burdens from their shoulders, speak words of affirmation and gratitude, and rebuild trust through small acts of kindness. “This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters” (1 John 3:16).
Let God’s love shine through you. By God’s grace, even a relationship broken by adultery can be mended, strengthened and used for His glory.
Adultery is not the unforgivable sin
It’s important to remember that while adultery is extremely egregious, it is not the unforgivable sin. Many faithful followers of God committed adultery yet went on to be used mightily by Him – including women like Rahab and Bathsheba, and men like Samson and David.
God was able to powerfully restore these marriages and use the couples despite their failures when they turned to Him in genuine repentance. If you have committed adultery, do not listen to the enemy’s lies that your life or marriage are beyond hope.
With God’s help, your marriage can not only be healed, but also become an incredible testimony of God’s redeeming grace. “For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” (Romans 8:38-39).
Practical tips for rebuilding trust after adultery
Here are some practical tips for rebuilding trust in your marriage after adultery:
- Be patient – Recovery takes time so do not rush things or demand automatic trust. You must earn back trust slowly through consistent actions.
- Check in often – Frequently ask your spouse how they are feeling and if there is anything you can do to help meet their needs.
- Have an open device policy – Give your spouse full access to your devices and accounts to demonstrate you have nothing to hide.
- Share your location – Be accountable for your whereabouts to reassure your spouse of your faithfulness when apart.
- No contact letter – Write a no contact letter to the person you committed adultery with and have your spouse read it.
- Books on healing – Read books together on recovering from an affair and rebuilding marriage after infidelity.
- Meet emotional needs – Make an effort to meet your spouse’s emotional needs for affection, conversation, honesty and intimacy.
- Romantic Gestures – Surprise your spouse with flowers, date nights, small gifts or other romantic gestures as appropriate.
- Seek counseling – Seek professional Christian counseling to have a neutral third party help you work through issues.
- Extended family – If appropriate, share with extended family and ask for support, prayer, and accountability as you rebuild trust.
How the faithful spouse can promote healing
For the spouse who was faithful, you also have an important role to play in promoting healing:
- Seek God – Continually seek God for strength, wisdom and healing for your own heart first.
- Be prayerful – Ask God to reveal any unforgiveness in your heart and show you how to fully forgive.
- Recommit – Make a fresh commitment to your marriage vows and working together towards restoration.
- Let go of bitterness – Do not hold offenses over their head but release anger/bitterness to God.
- Watch your words – Be careful not to speak harsh condemning words but rather words that edify and uplift.
- Verify actions – Focus on your spouse’s current actions more than their past failures.
- Reassure – Offer reassuring words that you are committed to rebuilding trust and willing to walk with them through the process.
- Celebrate progress – Notice and celebrate even small wins and steps in the right direction.
- Meet needs – Seek to actively understand and meet your spouse’s emotional needs.
- Professional help – Pursue professional Christian counseling together if needed.
Common questions about confession and accountability
Should I confess to our pastor or accountability partners?
This requires prayer and wisdom. There may be value in confessing to godly, mature Christians for the purpose of walking through repentance and establishing extra accountability. However, you also do not want to share your private marital struggles too widely. Seek the Holy Spirit’s guidance.
How can I reassure my spouse I’m not “cheating” again?
Rebuilding trust requires consistency over time. Be accountable for your whereabouts, allow access to devices, check in frequently and follow through consistently with words and actions. Small reassurances demonstrated over and over can help relieve a fearful spouse’s concerns.
What if my spouse refuses to forgive me?
Give them space and grace as they process pain. Continue to model sincere repentance and love. Recognize lack of forgiveness may signal issues in your spouse’s own walk with God. Lovingly suggest counseling. Focus on your own heart and obedience, trusting God to change theirs.
Should we separate for a time?
Separation may be needed in cases of ongoing unrepentance or danger, but not as punishment. The goal should be reconciliation. With repentance, many couples can work through adultery together through God’s grace. Get wise counsel before choosing separation.
How do I help my kids through this?
If appropriate, acknowledge to your children what happened in general terms, reassure them of your love, and reinforce your commitment to the family. Avoid details that may damage their other parent’s reputation. Seek counseling to help the children process in a healthy manner.
Trusting in God’s redemptive grace
Marriages can heal and thrive again after adultery through God’s powerful and patient grace. While the road is challenging, God will walk with you if you submit to His leadership.
“And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.” (Philippians 1:6)
With repentance, hard work and reliance on God’s Spirit, your marriage can come through this trial to a place of greater intimacy, compassion and understanding than ever before. Keep walking in faith and humility.