Overlooking an offense is not always easy. When someone wrongs us, our natural reaction is often to retaliate or hold a grudge. However, the Bible encourages us to be quick to forgive others, even when they sin against us. In Proverbs 19:11, we read “Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense.” This proverb provides wise guidance on when and how we should choose to overlook offenses against us.
What does it mean to “overlook an offense”?
To “overlook an offense” means to consciously choose not to dwell on the wrong that was committed against you. It means releasing your right to be angry, seek vengeance, or punish the other person. Overlooking an offense is an act of mercy, grace, and forgiveness towards someone who has hurt you. It does not necessarily mean the offense was insignificant or unimportant. But it does mean deciding not to demand justice for yourself, and instead extending unmerited favor by not holding the offense against the other person.
Why should we be quick to overlook offenses?
There are several reasons why overlooking offenses is the wise and godly thing to do:
- It reflects God’s mercy towards us (Colossians 3:13). When we deserve judgment for our sins, God graciously forgives us through Christ.
- It follows Jesus’ teachings and example (Matthew 18:21-22, Luke 23:34). Jesus repeatedly taught about the importance of forgiveness and demonstrated it while being crucified.
- It keeps our hearts free from bitterness (Hebrews 12:15). Holding on to offenses leads to root bitterness, which defiles us.
- It maintains unity and harmony (Ephesians 4:32). Quickly overlooking offenses promotes peace rather than prolonged conflict.
- It leaves room for repentance and restoration. Keeping an offense constantly in focus leaves the offender in a condemned state, rather than giving opportunity for change.
- It reflects spiritual maturity (Proverbs 19:11). Overlooking offenses demonstrates self-control, humility, mercy, and eternal perspective.
As Christians, we want to grow in Christlike character. Since God does not keep a record of our wrongs but freely forgives, we should aim to do the same for others, rather than demand justice or nurse grudges.
How can we develop the habit of overlooking offenses?
Choosing to overlook offenses gets easier with practice. Here are some tips for developing this habit:
- Pray for a heart of forgiveness toward the person. Ask God to help you see them the way He does (Luke 6:27-28).
- Remember how much you have been forgiven (Matthew 18:23-35). Meditate on grace.
- Consider overlooked offenses as opportunities to grow in grace and glorify God (Proverbs 19:11).
- Actively resist thoughts of resentment, bitterness, or revenge when they arise. Don’t entertain them (Romans 12:21).
- If needed, graciously address substantial issues without condemnation (Luke 17:3).
- Bless the offender through words or deeds (Romans 12:14). Look for ways to demonstrate love.
- Keep your tongue from slander or gossip about the offense (Psalm 15:3).
- Focus your mental energy on positive things (Philippians 4:8).
It takes conscious effort to develop new habits of the heart. But with time, the habit of easily overlooking minor offenses can become our natural posture. The more we extend grace to others, the more we become like Christ.
When is it wise to overlook offenses?
Proverbs 19:11 does not imply we should always overlook every offense. However, here are some situations when it is often wise to do so:
- When the offense was minor, unintended, or you have reason to think the person would make things right if given the chance.
- When you detect hints of defensiveness, denial, or unwillingness to accept responsibility from an offender. Forcing the issue may cause more harm.
- When you have no clear-cut proof. In ambiguous he-said she-said situations, it is often best to avoid accusatory tones.
- When the relationship is deeply important to you. In close relationships, graciously treading past offenses motivates repentance and reconciliation.
- When you have been guilty of similar failures (Romans 2:1). Humbly overlooking minor issues models the grace you needed.
- When you already addressed a matter and further focus is unproductive. Move on constructively.
- When an offense is partly a misunderstanding or clash of perspectives. Lead with empathy.
- When your emotions are running too hot. Once you cool down, you can discuss issues rationally and civilly if needed.
There are also times when offenses should not be overlooked. Egregious, habitual, or unrepentant offenses may need to be addressed through formal processes in the church, workplace, or legal system for safety or justice (Matthew 18:15-17). But for everyday minor offenses between friends, coworkers, and family, a gracious overlooking of issues often leads to the most positive outcome.
What if I still feel hurt or angry about the offense?
Choosing to overlook an offense does not always remove hurt feelings right away. Emotions can lag behind our choice to forgive. Don’t feel guilty for not “getting over it” instantly. Give yourself time to process while still refusing to dwell on the wrong. Here are some healthy ways to cope with lingering hurt:
- Pour out your heart to God (Psalm 62:8). Be honest about your feelings. Ask Him for emotional healing.
- Remind yourself of God’s love and the offender’s value in Christ (Romans 5:8, 2 Corinthians 5:16).
- Invest your energy into something meaningful as a distraction (1 Corinthians 15:58). Get involved with a ministry or hobby.
- Receive comfort and perspective from spiritually mature believers (2 Corinthians 1:3-5). Talk out your struggle.
- Consider seeing a Christian counselor if emotional pain persists and hinders daily function. Get help processing deep wounds.
With time and divine help, you can move forward even if the one who offended you continues in the same pattern. Keep taking the high road, and trust God with your healing and their judgment (Romans 12:19).
What are the dangers of refusing to overlook minor offenses?
Holding onto offenses when we should overlook them can cause a lot of damage. Some potential consequences include:
- It can poison relationships with ongoing conflict and distance.
- It can make minor issues spiral into major blowups.
- It shows an unforgiving heart, which God also will not forgive (Matthew 6:15).
- It robs you of joy and peace as resentment festers.
- It causes cynicism, bitterness, and a victim mentality to take root.
- It stunts spiritual growth and effectiveness for God’s kingdom.
- It prevents the offender from learning better ways when condemned.
- It misses opportunities to overcome evil with good (Romans 12:21).
Rather than demand vengeance over minor issues, God calls us to trust His justice and extend undeserved mercy to reflect His heart. Taking offense easily often backfires, while choosing to overlook issues cultivates maturity, peace, and wisdom.
What about justice? Isn’t overlooking unfair?
It is understandable to want justice when wronged. However, as Christians, we are called to a higher standard than the world’s ways (Matthew 5:38-42). Demanding full justice for every minor offense is contrary to the mercy and patience God shows us. When we have been forgiven so much, passing the same grace to others should be our posture (Colossians 3:13).
However, for serious and unrepentant wrongs, appropriate actions likely should be taken, especially when people are in danger. Legal, employment, church disciplinary, or counseling measures may be needed in certain situations. But there are still opportunities in the midst of addressing issues to extend grace, speak truth in love, give space for change, and not harbor bitterness (Matthew 18:15-17, Galatians 6:1).
While not neglecting truth and justice, as disciples of Jesus we are called to balance these with mercy, peace, patience, and walking in love above all (Ephesians 4:15, 1 Corinthians 13:1-7). Our citizenship is in heaven, not of this world. We can trust divine justice in the end, and not demand our due in the present.
How can I develop wisdom to know when to overlook versus address offenses?
Asking God for wisdom is the first step (James 1:5). Besides prayer, here are tips for gaining discernment:
- Search the Scriptures on relevant topics like forgiveness, reconciliation, and disciplining sin.
- Carefully think through various angles of complex situations.
- Listen to and observe the offender’s attitudes and responses.
- Seek counsel from spiritually mature believers.
- Consider the long-term spiritual fruit of different responses.
- Examine your own heart for impure motives like pride or vengeance.
- Remember to treat others as you would want to be treated.
- Ask God to help you see people through His redemptive eyes.
With practice, we can get better at wisely discerning when extending grace overlooks minor issues versus when godly confrontation is needed. The goal is always repentance, justice, and restoration – not punishing offenders or proving ourselves right.
What if I’m the offender? How can I respond?
When we offend others but are unaware or ignore their hurt, it often escalates pain. Here are wise steps if someone confronts you about causing offense:
- Humbly listen without defensiveness or excuses (Proverbs 18:13). Assume there is some valid concern, even if the complaint is imbalanced.
- Thank them for bringing the issue up rather than gossiping with others (Matthew 18:15).
- Ask clarifying questions to understand their perspective fully.
- Apologize for any way you clearly contributed to hurt, without denying responsibility.
- If in doubt over fuzzy issues, consider overlooking perceived offenses as the other did.
- Kindly explain your intentions/reasons without self-justifying.
- Seek forgiveness and offer to make amends if appropriate.
- Refrain from attacking back. Be part of the solution, not the problem.
Approaching misunderstandings with humility, even when we don’t see the offense, often leads to reconciliation and growth. We should aim to be quick to graciously overlook issues, whether we are the offended or perceived offender (1 Peter 4:8).
Conclusion
Learning to graciously overlook minor offenses is a challenging but necessary part of Christian discipleship. As the Bible teaches, when someone wrongs us, we should be slow to anger and quick to forgive. Taking our eyes off the offense reflects God’s heart of mercy and grace towards us. It maintains relationships and gives room for change. With wisdom and practice, a habit of easily overlooking issues can be developed through the help of the Holy Spirit. While serious issues still may need intervention, the high road of forgiveness in the face of small slights cultivates maturity, peace, and vibrant witness to God’s transforming love.