Emotional affairs can devastate marriages. As Christians, we must guard our hearts and minds and focus our emotional connections on our spouses. Here are some biblical principles for avoiding inappropriate emotional attachments:
Build intimacy in your marriage
The best defense against emotional affairs is a strong, intimate marriage. Spend meaningful time together, communicate openly and honestly, show affection, and prioritize your spouse (Genesis 2:24, Ecclesiastes 4:9-12). Pray together and do devotionals as a couple. Seek counseling if you feel distant from your spouse.
Guard your heart
Don’t allow your heart to entangle itself with someone of the opposite sex outside of marriage (Proverbs 4:23). Don’t share emotional vulnerabilities or seek emotional support from potential romantic interests. Be cautious when a “friendship” starts becoming emotionally intimate. Redirect conversations that feel inappropriate.
Avoid compromise
Don’t rationalize emotional affairs as “harmless friendships.” Flirting with someone besides your spouse or sharing emotional intimacy is compromise, even if “nothing physical” happens (Matthew 5:27-28). Don’t convince yourself something wrong is actually okay.
Cut off inappropriate emotional attachments
If you’ve allowed an inappropriate emotional attachment to form, confess it to your spouse and cut off contact with the person immediately (Ephesians 5:3). Temporary “breaks” from the relationship enable it to continue. Make a clean break and refocus on your marriage.
Be accountable
Share your struggles with emotional boundaries openly with your spouse and discuss ways you can strengthen your marriage. Confess attractions or relationships you struggle with to a trusted friend or mentor before emotional affairs start (James 5:16). Ask them to check in regularly.
Focus your thoughts properly
Don’t dwell on romantic thoughts about someone besides your spouse – bring those thoughts “captive” and redirect your mind (2 Corinthians 10:5). When catching your thoughts wandering, pray and refocus on your spouse.
Avoid environments and situations that could lead you to compromise
Be wise about the situations you put yourself in. Don’t frequently spend solo time with an attractive coworker or text them late at night. Avoid working alone after hours at the office with them. Also be cautious about the media you engage with – some movies, books, songs, etc. could stir up inappropriate desires in your heart. (1 Thessalonians 5:22)
See people as souls, not potential partners
View everyone as beings created in God’s image – including your spouse and people you interact with of the opposite gender. Respect them as fellow image bearers of God, not as potential romantic partners. (Genesis 1:27)
Maintain healthy boundaries
Establish wise boundaries that protect your marriage, like avoiding solo outings with co-workers of the opposite sex. Respect your own boundaries and don’t compromise because you want to “be nice.” Boundaries show you value your marriage. (Proverbs 4:26-27)
Address relationship issues and problems
Unresolved conflict and lack of connection in your marriage make it vulnerable to emotional affairs. Deal with issues directly through conversation, counseling, confession, and prayer. Strengthen companionate love in marriage. (Proverbs 27:5-7)
Don’t make jokes or entertaining comments about infidelity
Joking about emotional affairs seems harmless but can desensitize you and make compromise easier. Take the issue seriously and set a tone of faithfulness in your marriage. (Ephesians 5:4)
Bounce your eyes
When you notice yourself noticing an attractive person besides your spouse, immediately “bounce” your eyes away. Don’t let them linger. Job said he made a covenant with his eyes not to look lustfully at a young woman. (Job 31:1)
See people’s value beyond their bodies
View others as whole people made in God’s image – don’t see them one dimensionally for their physical beauty alone. Doing so can stir up inappropriate attraction. (1 Samuel 16:7)
Focus on your spouse’s qualities
When interacting with an attractive person, bring your thoughts back to qualities you appreciate about your spouse, like their character, heart for God, sense of humor, etc. (Proverbs 31:10, Song of Songs 4:7)
Come clean about attractions or interactions that could become emotionally dangerous
If you start to feel attracted to or enjoy spending extra time with someone at work or elsewhere, tell your spouse immediately and ask them to help keep you accountable. (James 5:16)
Avoid private messages
Don’t exchange private messages with non-family members on social media. This provides a doorway to emotional intimacy. Interact publicly or in group messages if necessary. (1 Thessalonians 5:22)
Focus on your mission
Rather than becoming emotionally entangled, pour your passion into the mission God has for you and your spouse. Invest in family, ministry, work, and building God’s Kingdom together. (Matthew 28:19-20)
Examine your motives
Ask yourself regularly why you want to interact with or build a “friendship” with someone of the opposite sex. Check your heart motives. If it’s for inappropriate emotional intimacy, stop immediately. (Psalm 139:23-24)
Avoid attachment to exes
Don’t hold on emotionally to ex-boyfriends/girlfriends after entering marriage. This can stir up dissatisfaction. Wish them well and move forward. (2 Corinthians 5:17)
Don’t idealize people besides your spouse
Imagining someone else is perfect for you can create emotional distance from your spouse. Focus on their positive qualities and remember no one is without flaws. (Romans 3:23)
Make your marriage top priority
Evaluate commitments that could detract from your marriage like hobbies, outside activities, work obligations, etc. Set boundaries and limits so your marriage gets the focus and energy it needs. (Matthew 6:33)
Internalize vows
Go back to your wedding vows often and think deeply about the covenant you made before God to reinforce your emotional commitment to your spouse. (Ecclesiastes 5:4-5)
Don’t treat your spouse in ways you wouldn’t want to be treated
Remember the Golden Rule – if you wouldn’t want your spouse to treat you a certain way, don’t treat them that way either. (Matthew 7:12)
Guard your technology use
Use technology carefully to avoid falling into an emotional affair. Disable notifications from apps/websites that could connect you to past loves or new romantic interests. (Job 31:1)
Pursue holiness together
Keep your eyes fixed on Jesus and actively pursue personal and marital holiness. Join a couples small group study or attend church consistently together. (Hebrews 12:1-2)