Honoring one’s parents is a clear biblical command. Exodus 20:12 says, “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you.” And Ephesians 6:2 echoes this: “Honor your father and mother.” God desires that we honor our parents because He established the family unit and gave parents a unique authority over their children. Honoring them is honoring God’s design.
But what about when a parent is abusive? How can we honor an abusive mother or father? This difficult question requires wisdom and discernment. Here are several biblical principles to consider:
1. Forgive them
Though incredibly difficult, we are called to forgive those who have wronged us, even if they don’t deserve it or ask for forgiveness (Matthew 6:15; Mark 11:25). Forgiveness is first a decision, then a process as we release the bitterness and desire for revenge. As we do, we can pray for them and desire their repentance and restoration (Luke 6:28).
2. Keep wise boundaries
Forgiveness doesn’t mean we ignore or enable abuse. While honoring parents, we can also take measures to prevent further harm and demand change. Jesus confronted abusive religious leaders (Matthew 23). Paul corrected Peter publicly (Galatians 2:11-14). There are times to speak up against and create distance from parental abuse for self-protection and in hope they will see their sin.
3. Look for ways to honor them that don’t compromise safety
Though contact may need to be limited, are there still ways we can express honor? Can we send a letter explaining we desire relationship but not abuse, and are willing to reconcile if they repent? Can we honor them by living an upright life? (Proverbs 23:22). Can we bless them from afar through prayer or small acts of service (Romans 12:20-21)?
4. Shift focus to honoring God above all
When parents are abusive, our greater allegiance is to God (Luke 14:26). He is our perfect Father, and He alone is worthy of our ultimate honor and obedience (Matthew 10:37; John 14:15). We can honor even abusive parents in ways that don’t compromise our safety or our loyalty to Christ.
5. Leave justice to God
It’s tempting to want to “teach them a lesson” or ensure they “get what they deserve.” But vengeance belongs to God (Romans 12:19; Hebrews 10:30). We can trust Him to deal justly with unrepentant abusers. Our job is to honor where possible, forgive, and pray God’s Spirit convicts them deeply of sin.
6. Find healing community
Victims of abuse need support and guidance from mature Christians as they navigate honor for abusive parents. The church should be a place of refuge, counsel, and care. Seek help from leaders, mentors, and Christian counselors.
7. Remember their humanity
Without justifying sin, we can have compassion that all people have fallen short before God (Romans 3:23) and are capable of terrible evil apart from His grace. Abusers act out of their own brokenness and need redemption. While maintaining boundaries, we can honor even abusive parents as fellow image-bearers of God.
8. Hope and pray for their repentance
As painful as it is, we can honor abusive parents by sincerely hoping they will repent and come to faith in Christ. While actions have consequences, God’s grace and forgiveness is limitless. Praying for their salvation is an act of honor, love, and supernatural good will.
9. Let go of expectations
Hoping for change can set us up for disappointment if parents remain unrepentant. To honor well, we must release any sense of entitlement to loving, godly parents. We can honor from a posture of grace rather than demand.
10. Find your identity in Christ
Abuse damages our sense of self-worth and belonging. But in Christ, we are fully loved, valued, and accepted as God’s children (Ephesians 1:5-6). Our identity and security come from Him, not parents. Cling to Christ above all.
Honoring abusive parents is extremely difficult. But by drawing on God’s grace, wisdom and strength, we can break destructive cycles through forgiveness and hope. With discernment, boundaries, prayer, and community support, we can honor even abusive mothers and fathers in ways that glorify God.
Other relevant Bible verses:
Proverbs 15:5 – “A fool despises his father’s instruction, but whoever heeds reproof is prudent.”
Proverbs 23:22 – “Listen to your father who gave you life, and do not despise your mother when she is old.”
Malachi 1:6 – “A son honors his father, and a servant his master. If then I am a father, where is my honor? And if I am a master, where is my fear? says the Lord of hosts to you, O priests, who despise my name.”
Matthew 15:4 – “For God commanded, ‘Honor your father and your mother,’ and, ‘Whoever reviles father or mother must surely die.'”
Luke 2:51 – “And he went down with them and came to Nazareth and was submissive to them. And his mother treasured up all these things in her heart.”
Romans 1:30 – “Slanderers, haters of God, insolent, haughty, boastful, inventors of evil, disobedient to parents.”
2 Timothy 3:2 – “For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy.”
1 Peter 2:18 – “Servants, be subject to your masters with all respect, not only to the good and gentle but also to the unjust.”