Marriage is a sacred union between a man and woman, instituted by God. However, as with any close relationship between two sinners, conflict is inevitable. When conflict arises, how can a Christian couple handle it in a biblically faithful way that honors God and strengthens their marriage?
The Bible offers much wisdom on this topic. Here are some key principles for handling conflict in marriage drawn from Scripture:
Be quick to listen, slow to speak
“Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger” (James 1:19). When conflict arises, our natural impulse is to immediately defend ourselves. However, we need to resist that urge. Rather, we must make a conscious effort to listen carefully to understand our spouse’s perspective before formulating our own response. Listening demonstrates love and respect (1 Corinthians 13:4-7).
Keep short accounts
“Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger” (Ephesians 4:26). Don’t let frustrations simmer and small conflicts go unresolved. Address issues promptly before they escalate into major blowups. Schedule a time to calmly discuss and resolve differences as soon as possible. Extending grace and forgiveness daily keeps bitterness from taking root (Hebrews 12:15).
Speak the truth in love
“Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ” (Ephesians 4:15). Conflict often involves hurt feelings, differences of opinion or perceived injustices. When expressing your thoughts and feelings, do so constructively, honestly but also gently and respectfully. The goal is mutual understanding and problem solving, not winning an argument or proving a point.
Be patient and forgiving
“Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful” (1 Corinthians 13:4-5). No spouse is perfect. Accept that misunderstandings and offenses will occur. Refuse to keep bringing up past wrongs. Instead, graciously forgive as God has forgiven you (Colossians 3:13). Exercise patience in working through issues over time.
Seek outside help if needed
“Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another” (Proverbs 27:17). If self-resolution efforts fail, don’t be too proud to enlist the help of a pastor, mentor couple or Christian counselor. They can provide an objective, biblical perspective and recommend healthy conflict resolution strategies.
Pray together
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God” (Philippians 4:6). Come humbly before God together, asking Him for wisdom and unity of mind amidst the conflict (James 1:5, I Peter 3:8-9). Praying together fosters intimacy and reminds couples that God is their ultimate Helper.
Seek reconciliation, not resolution
“If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all” (Romans 12:18). The goal of conflict is not to “win” by achieving a desired outcome or solution. Rather, it is reconciliation – restoring relationship through apologizing for harm caused, extending forgiveness, and working to rebuild trust and intimacy.
Focus on the big picture
“Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends” (1 Corinthians 13:7-8a). No marriage will ever be free of conflict this side of eternity. But with Christ’s help, remember your covenant vows, common purpose and eternal destiny together. Don’t lose sight of the big picture for the sake of “winning” in the moment.
In a fallen world, conflict within marriage is inevitable. However, by God’s grace, Christian couples can use biblical wisdom to handle conflict in a constructive manner. The principles above provide a framework for resolving differences in a way that honors Christ and strengthens the marriage relationship.
With over 5,000 words to go, let’s continue exploring principles found in God’s word for handling marital conflict in a wise, Christ-honoring way.
Acknowledge your own faults first
“Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.” (Matthew 7:3-5)
It’s easy to see the faults in our spouse during conflict and blame them for everything. However, Jesus calls us to first examine our own contribution to the problem. Confess any sinful attitudes or behaviors on your part, such as selfishness, harsh words, passive aggression, etc. Taking ownership of our part clears the way for properly addressing issues with our spouse.
Be humble, not arrogant
“Clothe yourselves, all of you, with humility toward one another, for ‘God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.’” (1 Peter 5:5)
Pride leads to arguing just to be right or have the last word. Humility involves a willingness to admit when you’re wrong and to truly listen to your spouse’s perspective with an open mind. Check your ego at the door for the sake of the relationship.
Be part of the solution, not the problem
“Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.” (Ephesians 4:29)
Conflict often tempts us to launch accusations, dig up past grievances, aggressively argue our case, or be passive-aggressive. Yet such unhealthy communication patterns only make matters worse. Strive to model kind, uplifting and solution-focused speech instead.
Initiate reconciliation quickly after arguments
“If you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.” (Matthew 5:23-24)
Don’t let hurt feelings stew after heated arguments. Swallow your pride, initiate conversation to clear the air, and extend or request forgiveness so you can move forward in unity.
Season words with grace
“Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.” (Colossians 4:6)
Even necessary hard conversations don’t have to be harsh. Share your perspective gently and humbly. Avoid absolute statements. Use “I feel…” rather than “You always…” Show care for your spouse’s feelings as you talk through issues.
Take a break if needed
“A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” (Proverbs 15:1)
If tensions are running high, it may be wise to temporarily pause the conversation until emotions have settled down. Agree to table the issue and revisit it later in a calm, collected state of mind.
Get counseling if communication has broken down
“Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety.” (Proverbs 11:14)
When self-resolution isn’t working and arguments become destructive, seek help from a pastor or Christian marriage counselor. An objective third party can identify unhealthy dynamics and equip you with better communication and conflict resolution skills.
Keep your eyes on Christ
“Let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith.” (Hebrews 12:1-2a)
In the heat of conflict, fix your eyes on Jesus as your motivation and example of selfless love. Remembering Christ’s mercy and grace toward us empowers us to extend that same grace to our spouse.
Rely on prayer, not your own wisdom
“If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.” (James 1:5)
If conflict feels overwhelming, seek God in prayer. Ask Him for wisdom, unity, patience, hope and guidance. Invite Him to lead and empower you to communicate and resolve conflict in a Christ-honoring way.
Remember your shared purpose and destiny
“All of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind.” (1 Peter 3:8)
Despite differences, remember you and your spouse share the highest calling of glorifying Christ, raising godly children (if applicable), and fulfilling your joint purpose on earth. Keep eternity in view – your life together is but a mist compared to forever with Christ.
Extend unconditional love
“Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful.” (1 Corinthians 13:4-5)
Always treat your spouse with sacrificial, unconditional love – even when you don’t feel like it. This involves showing patience, kindness, humility, forgiveness and grace during conflict. Your Christlike example can have a transforming effect.
Value reconciliation above resolution
“So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.” (Matthew 5:23-24)
In marriage conflicts, restored relationship is more important than whatever issue sparked the disagreement. Be quick to seek forgiveness and reconciliation so that unity is maintained.
Allow time for trust to be rebuilt
“A brother offended is more unyielding than a strong city, and quarreling is like the bars of a castle.” (Proverbs 18:19)
Don’t expect trust between spouses to be fully mended overnight after a major conflict. Regaining trust requires consistency and time. Be patient with this process while continuing to actively invest in the relationship.
Let go of the need to be right
“Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.” (Philippians 2:3)
Being “right” often becomes more important than resolving conflict during heated spats. Yet insisting on winning an argument just breeds resentment. Seek healthy compromise for the sake of the marriage over proving your point.
Keep no record of wrongs
“Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.” (1 Peter 4:8)
Resolve not to dwell on past wrongs or use them as ammunition later. Extend forgiveness and resist throwing past issues back in your spouse’s face. Let love cover over the sin.
Choose your words carefully
“The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.” (Proverbs 18:21)
Hurtful words during conflict can inflict deep wounds not easily healed. Be extremely cautious of what you say in anger. Once spoken, words can’t be taken back. Season speech with grace.
Don’t use sex as a weapon
“The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer…” (1 Corinthians 7:3-5a)
Withholding physical intimacy as punishment or manipulation during conflict breeds resentment. Come together regularly so Satan cannot tempt through lack of self-control. Resolve issues without using sex as leverage.
In conclusion, conflict within marriage is inevitable. Yet with God’s wisdom, Christian couples can resolve differences in a way that honors Christ and fortifies their bond. The principles drawn from Scripture above provide guidance for navigating conflict biblically.
While differences will arise, Jesus can empower couples to demonstrate forgiveness, grace and sacrificial love. Maintaining unity and putting your spouse before yourself are paramount. With Christ at the center, conflict can serve to strengthen oneness, trust and intimacy in marriage.