Proverbs 12:4 states “An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who brings shame is like rottenness in his bones.” This verse compares the value of a virtuous wife to that of a disgraceful one. An excellent wife who fears the Lord and respects her husband is a crown and blessing to him. But a wife who rebels, disrespects and dishonors her husband is likened to “rottenness in his bones”, slowly decaying him from the inside out. Let’s explore the meaning behind this verse more deeply.
The Excellent Wife
The “excellent wife” in Proverbs 12:4 refers to a God-fearing woman of noble character who brings honor to her husband and family. She is trustworthy, loving, industrious, wise and cares for the needs of her household (Proverbs 31:10-31). This wife is a “crown” to her husband, bringing him joy, comfort and pride. She respects and supports his leadership, freeing him to fulfill his God-given roles and responsibilities (Ephesians 5:22-24, 33). Her gentle and quiet spirit is of great worth in God’s sight (1 Peter 3:4). She works diligently and cheerfully to manage household affairs and care for her family. Her husband and children praise her character (Proverbs 31:28). In short, an excellent wife is a treasured gift and blessing to her husband, enhancing his life in every way.
The Shameful Wife
In stark contrast, the “shameful wife” in Proverbs 12:4 is one who rebels against her husband’s leadership and refuses to fulfill her marital roles. Rather than being his helper and complement, she contends with him, seeking to control and subvert his authority (Genesis 3:16). She is likely argumentative, contentious, and vocal in her disrespect for her husband (Proverbs 21:9,19). Over time, her shameful conduct erodes the unity in marriage that God intended and brings disgrace on her husband.
Proverbs likens her influence to “rottenness in his bones”. Just as bone decay causes increasing pain and deterioration in one’s physical health, her chronic dishonor brings continuous heartache and erosion of his well-being. Her shameful behavior and attitudes infect the marriage like gangrene, slowly eating away the strength and joy of the relationship. She robs her husband of peace, respect and dignity, leaving only hollowness and pain.
The Importance of a Wife’s Conduct
This verse highlights the tremendous impact a wife’s conduct has on her husband for good or ill. Far more than outward beauty, her inner attitudes and character have the power to build up or corrode her husband. A wife must understand this sober truth.
As Christ’s bride, the church is called to reverence and submit to Him in all things (Ephesians 5:22-24). Wives must carefully follow this model by honoring their husbands in word, action and attitude (1 Peter 3:1-6). This demonstrates reverence for God’s divine order for marriage. When both spouses fulfill their biblical roles, they enjoy the blessing, richness and unity God intends.
How Should a Godly Wife Treat Her Husband?
Scripture gives clear guidance on how a wife can become an “excellent wife” who brings honor to her husband:
- Respect his God-given leadership role (Ephesians 5:22,33)
- Refrain from speaking dishonorably of him (Ephesians 4:29)
- Refrain from acting contentiously or argumentatively (Proverbs 21:9)
- Speak well of him and draw attention to his strengths (Proverbs 31:28, Song of Songs 7:1-9)
- Be sexually faithful and available to satisfy his intimacy needs (1 Corinthians 7:3-5)
- Care diligently for the home and family (Titus 2:4-5)
- Be industrious, trustworthy and wise in handling household affairs (Proverbs 31:10-31)
- Have a gentle and quiet spirit (1 Peter 3:4)
- Build him up with words of encouragement (Ephesians 4:29)
In practicing these attitudes and actions, a wife can become a prized blessing to her husband rather than a source of shame or disgrace. Just as the woman in the Song of Songs was praised by her husband and others for her noble character (Song of Songs 6:8-9), an excellent wife honors Christ and brings joy and comfort to her husband.
How Does a Shameful Wife Bring Rottenness?
In contrast, Scripture warns against the attitudes and habits of a contentious, disrespectful wife who tears down her husband and marriage. Consider how a shameful wife brings rottenness:
- Disrespects his God-given authority and leadership role (Ephesians 5:22-24)
- Speaks critically, angrily or contentiously toward her husband (Proverbs 21:9, 19)
- Seeks to undermine or control his decision-making (Genesis 3:16)
- Habitually argues, complains, and contends with him (Proverbs 19:13, 27:15-16)
- Refuses to meet his sexual needs appropriately (1 Corinthians 7:3-5)
- Neglects home and children through lack of diligence (Proverbs 14:1, Titus 2:4-5)
- Speaks shamefully of him to others (Ephesians 4:29)
- Seeks attention and intimacy from other men (Proverbs 2:16-19)
- Pursues selfish interests over care for family (1 Timothy 5:6)
Through such conduct over time, a defiant and dishonoring wife erodes her husband’s well-being, dignity, joy and confidence like spreading rottenness. She becomes “an endless dripping on a rainy day” that drives him from his own house (Proverbs 19:13, 27:15).
Consequences of a Shameful Wife
What are the consequences when a wife refuses to honor her marital covenant? Consider several outcomes:
- Husband’s heart is grieved and well-being undermined (Proverbs 12:4, 17:22)
- Strife, conflict and disunity fill the home (Proverbs 21:9, 19)
- Husband is dishonored before others (Proverbs 12:4, 27:15-16)
- Wife’s witness for Christ is damaged (Titus 2:5, 1 Peter 3:1-2)
- Husband is tempted toward anger or bitterness (Colossians 3:19)
- Children are disrupted and influenced negatively (Proverbs 14:1)
- Husband is tempted by adultery (Proverbs 5:3-20, 6:20-35)
- Increased risk of separation or divorce (Proverbs 21:9, 19)
Rather than being a partner and blessing, the shameful wife becomes “rottenness in his bones”, a source of anguish, conflict, dishonor and corrosion for her husband. The wise wife carefully avoids such destructive attitudes and habits.
Restoring a Marriage Damaged by a Shameful Wife
No one is without fault in our human relationships. Even the most honorable wife sins periodically in word or action. When a wife recognizes she has dishonored her husband and caused harm to the marriage, God offers forgiveness, healing and restoration through Christ. Here are some steps she can take:
- Confess her sin to God and her spouse and ask forgiveness (James 5:16, 1 John 1:9)
- Submit to spiritual accountability and biblical counseling, if needed
- Examine her heart and commit to changing shameful attitudes and habits by God’s grace
- Patiently make restitution to rebuild intimacy, trust and her husband’s honor
- Exemplify biblical repentance through a respectful, loving attitude and actions (Ephesians 4:22-24)
- Pursue spiritual growth through Bible study, prayer, fellowship, and mentoring by mature believers
As Christ has forgiven all our sin, wives must humbly seek restoration when they have failed to follow His model in marriage. While difficult, the blessing is a marriage renewed by God’s redeeming grace.
Husbands Must Exercise Christlike Leadership
In discussing the wife’s important role, husbands must also examine themselves. A husband’s key responsibility is to exercise Christlike, servant-leadership and love toward his wife (Ephesians 5:25-29, 1 Peter 3:7). He must lead with wisdom, patience, sacrifice and care for his wife’s needs rather than self-interest. This provides fertile ground for mutual love and respect to flourish in a marriage.
If the soil of a marriage is degraded by selfish, unwise leadership or neglect from the husband, the wife’s response becomes much more difficult. Thus, husbands share in the responsibility to foster attitudes and actions of mutual love and honor in the marriage relationship (1 Peter 3:7).
Conclusion
Proverbs 12:4 offers vital wisdom on the blessing of an excellent wife versus the danger of a shameful one. An excellent wife honors God’s design in revering her husband’s leadership and diligently building up her home. But a defiant, disrespectful wife brings increasing anguish and dishonor, corroding the marriage like spreading rottenness. Wives must heed this sober warning and choose attitudes and actions that nurture marital love and unity. Husbands also share responsibility to lead with the sacrificial love of Christ. Through mutual love, service, patience and wisdom, couples can build marriages that bring honor to Christ and lasting joy to one another.