How should a Christian act toward a friend who comes out of the closet (as gay)?
Introduction
The issue of how Christians should respond when a friend comes out as gay is a sensitive and complex one. There are differing opinions among believers on this, and it requires wisdom, compassion, and grace. This article will aim to offer biblical guidance on this topic.
Overall Principles
There are some key principles we can draw from Scripture that should guide a Christian’s response in this situation:
1. Christians are called to love others as Christ has loved us (John 13:34-35). This includes friends who identify as gay. Loving others does not mean approving every behavior, but it does mean treating them with dignity, respect, and care.
2. Christians are called to speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15). This means balancing grace and truth when responding. The goal should be to point people to Christ, not just tell them what we think.
3. Christians are to extend mercy to others, just as Christ has had mercy on us (Matthew 9:13, Luke 6:36). This includes patience, forgiveness, and compassion even when we may disapprove of someone’s actions.
4. Christians are called to build others up, not tear them down with harsh words (Ephesians 4:29). Our speech should aim to give grace to those who hear.
5. Christians are called to “judge with right judgment” (John 7:24), meaning we are to evaluate situations and behaviors according to God’s word and principles, not our own opinions or societal trends. This includes making distinctions between loving the sinner and approving the sin.
Showing Love and Care for Your Friend
When a friend reveals they are gay, it is important for Christians to first show care and support for their friend, just as they would anyone else. Here are some ways to show love:
– Listen to them. Don’t immediately judge or lecture. Seek to understand their story and experiences that have shaped their identity and attractions (Proverbs 18:13).
– Affirm your care for them as a friend. Assure them that you want to continue the friendship even if you may disagree over this issue.
– Ask thoughtful questions to understand their thoughts, feelings, and beliefs on the matter. Don’t assume you know their views. Listen well (Proverbs 18:2).
– Validate their feelings. You can acknowledge that their inner wrestlings and experiences are very real, even if you believe they are mistaken in how they interpret or identify with those experiences.
– Express appreciation that they trusted you with sharing something so personal and sensitive. This vulnerability takes courage.
– Make it clear you are available to talk more if they would ever like to. Don’t force unwanted lectures. Keep lines of communication open.
– Treat their inner wrestlings with confidentiality. Don’t “out” them behind their back. This betrayal would crush trust in the friendship.
– Offer to pray for them. Ask how you can support them or meet any needs they may have in this season of life. Look for practical ways to show care.
– Consider your friendship history. If they have known you to be judgmental or harsh, they may expect the same reaction now. Ask God to help you defy their assumptions with unexpected grace and compassion.
The goal in this moment is to listen, understand, and assure your friend they are cared for, no matter what. fledgling faith in God’s goodness and design for human relationships and sexuality.
Speaking the Truth in Love
While showing love and support to your friend, there will likely come a time when you need to share your beliefs as a Christian pertaining to homosexuality. When those conversations happen, keep the following in mind:
– Pray for wisdom beforehand, that God would guide your words and tone (James 1:5). Your friend will be sensitive to how you speak. Ask God to make your speech gracious and persuasive.
– Don’t speak before you have sufficiently listened to and understood where they are coming from. Premature lectures will not seem caring but judgmental.
– Pick the right time. Don’t launch into this conversation when emotions are raw or you are short on time. Wait for the friend to be ready to hear your perspective after processing their own.
– Speak from a place of humility. Say you want to share your views as a Christian, but admit you don’t have everything figured out and can speak imperfectly. We see through a glass dimly (1 Corinthians 13:12).
– Don’t make it about winning an argument. Make it about communicating care and truth as you understand it. Your goal is to give them something to reflect on, not “convert” them in one conversation.
– Affirm points of agreement you have in the conversation. Don’t only focus on disagreement. Find common ground.
– Ask thoughtful questions to kindly challenge their perspective. Don’t just lecture. Engage in two-way dialogue.
– Point them to Jesus. Remind them that only He can bring true identity, peace, and satisfaction in life. Our ultimate hope is found in Christ.
– Make biblical truth clear where needed, but focus on communicating God’s grace and mercy just as much. We are all broken people in need of a Savior.
– Admit you don’t have all the answers. No one does. But we look to Christ and Scripture for guidance as we wrestle with complex questions.
– Offer to continue the dialogue. These conversations normally require multiple interactions over time. Let them reflect on what you’ve shared without force or coercion.
Guiding a Friend Toward God’s Design with Truth and Grace
In one-on-one conversations about your friend’s sexuality, you want to humbly share what God’s word says while also extending grace. Here are some truths to convey lovingly at appropriate times:
– God designed sex and marriage to be between one man and one woman (Genesis 1:27–28, 2:24). Other arrangements are outside His design.
– Same-sex romantic desire is one of many manifestations of human brokenness. We are all broken people with sinful desires that need God’s grace (Romans 3:23).
– God can redeem people from all forms of sexual brokenness, just as He saves people from pride, deceit, anger, greed, and other sins. Transformation is possible (1 Corinthians 6:9-11).
– Acting on same-sex desires is sinful, just like acting on temptations to lie, covet, commit adultery, and other sins is (1 Corinthians 6:18-20). But temptation itself is not sin if we don’t indulge it (Hebrews 4:15).
– God’s moral standards of holiness apply to everyone and do not change with culture or personal identity (Hebrews 13:8). His design for sexuality remains the same.
– Embracing an identity rooted in sinful desires can hinder intimacy with God. Our true identity is found in being made holy children of God through faith in Christ (Colossians 3:1-17).
– God’s grace covers all sin when we repent and believe in Christ (Acts 3:19, 1 John 1:9). Forgiveness and new life is freely offered to all who come to Him in faith, including those struggling with homosexuality.
– God promises to complete His redeeming work in all who trust Him. He is able to transform us to reflect Jesus more and more (Philippians 1:6, Romans 8:29).
– Obeying God’s design for sexuality leads to human flourishing, even when it feels restrictive (John 10:10). God’s way is truly loving, freeing and satisfying long-term.
– The church should be a place where people struggling with homosexuality and other sins can find grace, care and community, even when tempted to hide their struggles (Galatians 6:1-2).
Share these truths patiently over time as your friend is ready to hear them. Balance grace and truth. Uphold God’s standards while also offering hope and forgiveness in Christ.
Potential Objections Your Friend May Have
Here are some potential objections you may encounter when sharing truth, along with suggested responses:
Objection: “I was born gay. It’s just who I am.”
Reply: “I understand. Your same-sex attractions feel very deep and real, and not chosen. But we have to let Scripture guide what God says about our identity. He makes it clear our core identity is based on being made in His image and placed in Christ through faith, not our sexual desires. I struggle to align my identity fully with Christ too. It’s a journey for all of us. But God promises to complete His transforming work in our hearts when we trust Him.”
Objection: “Loving committed relationships between gay people don’t seem wrong.”
Reply: “I understand why you feel that way. But Scripture paints a different picture. According to God’s design, the covenant of marriage is intended only between male and female, and acting on same-sex desires is outside His design for holiness. God has something different and better than our own wisdom here. As a Christian, I believe His ways are truly the most loving and fulfilling, even when they feel restrictive.”
Objection: “You’re being judgmental and unloving.”
Reply: “I’m sorry. I really don’t mean to come across as judgmental. I just wanted to pass along what I believe God’s word says about this issue in the hopes it may be helpful as you process your experiences. I know I’m not the ultimate judge, God is. And you’re absolutely right, Christians are called to show grace and compassion to all people, including those identifying as gay. I want to point you to God’s mercy and better promises in Christ, not just share opinions. But please know I care about you as a friend.”
The goal of these conversations should be helping your friend consider God’s perspective on identity, sexuality, sin and grace. Speak Scriptural truth in a way they can hear it without blocking you out. Trust the Holy Spirit to soften their heart over time (1 Corinthians 3:6-7).
Remaining Friends Despite Disagreement
There is a chance your friend may ultimately make choices that contradict Scripture regarding their sexuality. If this happens:
– Continue to treat them with the utmost dignity. Do not sever the friendship abruptly over this issue. Rejecting them could push them from the faith completely.
– Make the Gospel message clear. Assure them forgiveness and new life is found at the cross through repentance and faith in Jesus.
– Let them know you want to maintain the friendship even if you deeply disagree with their lifestyle. We are still called to love even when people persist in sin or doubt.
– Set boundaries as needed. Make clear you cannot celebrate or participate in aspects of their life that violate Scripture, but explain this is to avoid misleading them or appearing to approve sinful choices.
– Don’t stop praying for them. Ask God to convict their heart and confirm His truth in new ways. With God all things are possible.
– Point them to other mature Christians for support and accountability. Work together to provide grace and perspective.
– Leave the door open to continued conversation. Don’t shut it down assuming they are beyond reach. God’s word can still penetrate prepared hearts.
The ideal resolution is your friend surrendering their identity and sexuality to God’s design. But even if they don’t, we are called to share truth and show grace as Christ did – trusting God with the results.
Pursuing Holiness While Extending Mercy
Navigating this sensitive situation requires the wisdom of God. As believers, we are called to uphold God’s standards of holiness and goodness while also offering mercy, patience and forgiveness to others. We must hold these twin aims in balance by:
– Showing compassion because we too are broken people who have required mercy and grace from God (Luke 6:36).
– Refusing to compromise on what God declares good, right and holy in His word. We cannot bend God’s design to make sin feel permissible or justified (Jude 1:3-4).
– Carrying the tension of clear truth and unconditional love as Christ did, even when it feels uncomfortable or difficult (John 1:14).
– Trusting God to change people’s hearts in His timing, not demanding instant agreement with our views. Change is God’s work, not ours (1 Corinthians 3:5-9).
– Believing God can redeem anyone who comes to Him in humility through Christ (Luke 18:27). No one is beyond God’s saving power if they truly seek Him.
– Making the church a welcoming place for all people to seek Christ, regardless of past sins and brokenness. Judgmentalism must never prevent anyone from meeting Jesus (James 2:1-13).
– Looking first at our own need for God’s grace before focusing on the sins of others (Matthew 7:1-5). Pride has no place when sharing Christ’s mercy.
– Seasoning truth with grace and empathy, just as Christ did. He uncompromisingly called people to repentance yet did so with compassion for their suffering (Matthew 9:36-38).
This balancing act requires great prayer, humility and dependence on God’s wisdom. Thankfully He promises to supply wisdom generously when we ask Him (James 1:5). Our task is to stay near to Jesus.
Conclusion
If a friend reveals they are gay, treat them with unexpected grace and care – while also kindly sharing God’s life-giving truth in the right times. Reflect Christ’s heart for people, pointing them to the better identity and promises found in Him. Trust God to use you and His word to impact their life for eternity. There is hope in Christ for all people when we share His mercy with bold love, patience and compassion.