Finding the perfect spouse is one of the most important decisions a person can make in life. For Christians, the Bible offers timeless wisdom and guidance on discernment in choosing a godly marriage partner. While no human is perfect, Scripture outlines key traits and principles to look for in evaluating compatibility and readiness for marriage.
Seek the Lord’s Guidance Through Prayer
The process of finding a spouse begins with seeking the Lord in prayer. We should ask God to guide us in finding the right person, while submitting to His perfect will and timing. “Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart” (Psalm 37:4). When we prioritize our relationship with God, He will direct our paths to His best for our lives (Proverbs 3:5-6).
Throughout the process, we should continue to bring our desires before the Lord. God knows exactly what we need in a spouse, even when we don’t. “And this is the confidence that we have toward him, that if we ask anything according to his will he hears us. And if we know that he hears us in whatever we ask, we know that we have the requests that we have asked of him” (1 John 5:14-15).
We can ask God to confirm His chosen spouse through prayer, wise counsel, Scripture study and circumstantial signs. If we commit to prayerfully seeking His guidance along the way, He promises to make our paths straight (Proverbs 3:5-6).
Look for a Spiritual Connection
A top priority in choosing a spouse is finding someone who shares our Christian faith and spiritual values. While other compatibility factors are important, Scripture emphasizes the need for spiritual oneness in marriage above all else. “Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?” (2 Corinthians 6:14).
This passage warns against marriages where the spouses have diametrically opposed belief systems. Marriage relationships face inevitable trials and hardships. Having unity in faith provides an invaluable anchor during difficult seasons. It ensures shared priorities and brings purpose and meaning to the ups and downs of marriage.
Beyond simply identifying as a Christian, a potential spouse should demonstrate the fruit of an authentic relationship with Christ. “By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another” (John 13:35). This fruit includes spiritual disciplines like Bible reading, prayer, fellowship, generosity and service (Galatians 5:22-23). A spouse who pursues intimacy with Christ will be better positioned to reflect Jesus in the context of marriage.
Look for Character and Integrity
Godly character and integrity are essential in a potential spouse. While physical attraction and emotions are often the initial draw in relationships, character and integrity form the foundation that sustains real intimacy over a lifetime.
The Bible emphasizes moral purity as indispensable for marriage. Scripture celebrates sexual faithfulness within marriage (Hebrews 13:4). It also denounces sexual immorality throughout (1 Corinthians 6:18-20). A potential spouse’s track record in purity, both before marriage and in other areas like honesty and substance use, is telling of their commitment to godly principles.
Additionally, Proverbs repeatedly warns against foolishness, anger issues, laziness, gluttony and other vices (Proverbs 15:20, 19:15, 21:9). While no one is perfect, these behaviors should raise red flags if unaddressed. A spouse needs discretion, self-control and wisdom (Proverbs 11:22, 31:10-11).
The Bible says love “bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things” (1 Corinthians 13:7). Marrying someone with strong character ensures a solid foundation when trials hit. Stability comes through integrity, not charm or charisma alone.
Evaluate Compatibility and Connection
Marriage requires teamwork, unity and intimacy between spouses. Evaluating general compatibility can indicate readiness for sharing life together. Important areas to explore include communication styles, conflict management, spiritual intimacy, physical intimacy, interests, life vision, and family backgrounds (Deuteronomy 24:5, Ephesians 5:28-33, Amos 3:3).
Communication is vital in marriage. A spouse should be a safe confidant and listening ear. “An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who brings shame is like rottenness in his bones” (Proverbs 12:4). Poor communication breeds isolation over time. Evaluating how a potential spouse communicates, even regarding hard topics, is wise.
Conflict is inevitable in relationships. But Scripture emphasizes quick forgiveness, empathy and perseverance (Ephesians 4:26, Colossians 3:12-14). Seeing how a potential spouse handles conflict is telling. Do they attack or withdraw? Do they fight fair and seek resolution? These dynamics will likely intensify after marriage.
Intellectual, emotional and spiritual connection is important in standing the tests of time. Spouses are called to nurture intimacy and truly know one another (Genesis 2:24-25, 1 Peter 3:7). A potential spouse should be a friend and confidant for life’s joys and trials.
Marriage also links two families together. Understanding family backgrounds can identify potential conflicts regarding roles, boundaries and habits before they arise. This protects the marital union when challenges emerge.
Consider Practical Preparedness
Marriage requires teamwork and preparation in building a life together. A potential spouse’s maturity, responsibility and life skills are important considerations. The Bible emphasizes prudence and planning (Proverbs 27:23-27, Luke 14:28-30). Evaluating practical preparedness can prevent future marital conflicts.
Finances influence marital stability. Debt, bad spending habits and lack of financial self-control strain otherwise good marriages. Jesus emphasized counting the cost before venturing into any endeavor (Luke 14:28). Evaluating financial compatibility proactively is wise. A spouse who is responsible and prudent with finances shows readiness for stewarding shared resources.
Living situation and employment should also be reasonably settled. A potential spouse need not have perfect circumstances. However, extreme instability can add unnecessary strain in marrying and building a life together. Problems that go unaddressed before marriage often escalate over time. Starting off marriage by overcoming big challenges together can set the relationship up for failure.
Look for Mutual Servanthood
At the heart of Christian marriage is mutual service. Spouses are called to sacrificial, unconditional love as modeled by Jesus (Ephesians 5:1-2). Each should place the other’s needs and desires ahead of self. “Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus…who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant” (Philippians 2:5-7).
This servanthood principle should be demonstrated while dating. Both partners should seek to outdo one another in showing honor, kindness and selflessness (Romans 12:10). If relationship dynamics become characterized by selfishness, manipulation or neglect, the foundation lacks Christlike love.
No one is perfectly selfless all the time. However, a willingness to repent, mature and put the other first are needed both before and during marriage. Marrying someone unwilling to address selfish habits sets the stage for marital breakdown, not success.
Seek Confirmatory Counsel and Guidance
Scripture emphasizes seeking and heeding wise counsel (Proverbs 1:5, 11:14). Those who know us well can often see areas of weakness or incompatibility we miss in the emotions of a budding relationship. “Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety” (Proverbs 11:14).
Talking with mentors, pastors, counselors and trusted family and friends provides objective insight. If multiple counselors express similar concerns, it warrants cautious evaluation, not quick dismissal. These outside perspectives help balance emotions and provide protection and accountability.
Additionally, premarital counseling offers a structured way to address topics like conflict, communication, intimacy, family background, finances and faith practices. Working through premarital materials with a pastor or counselor is a wise investment. Catching potential problems early can help prevent heartache down the road.
Listen to Concerns from Loved Ones
In truly toxic or dangerous relationships, friends and family may recognize problems better than those immersed in the relationship. Scripture warns, “Whoever isolates himself seeks his own desire; he breaks out against all sound judgment” (Proverbs 18:1). Loneliness or infatuation can distort perspective and judgment.
If loved ones have concerns, their insights deserve prayerful consideration. Their outside perspective may highlight potential pitfalls not clearly visible from within the relationship. Even if their concerns seem overblown, it is wise to pause and evaluate thoroughly before dismissing them.
“The ear that listens to life-giving reproof will dwell among the wise. Whoever ignores instruction despises himself, but he who listens to reproof gains intelligence” (Proverbs 15:31-32). Humility involves recognizing relationship blind spots and being willing to see reality, even when inconvenient or difficult.
Do Not Try to Change or Fix a Potential Spouse
Some marry hoping to fix or improve their partner over time. Instead of accepting flaws and incompatibilities as dealbreakers upfront, they commit hoping change will come. But forcing change rarely succeeds long-term. Scripture warns against looking to another person for identity or completion. Our identity is found in Christ alone (Galatians 2:20).
“What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate” (Mark 10:9). Problems predating marriage typically intensify afterwards, not disappear. Attempting to change a spouse leads to controlling, coercive dynamics that undermine intimacy and trust.
Rather than fix or change someone, a potential spouse needs proven character, spiritual maturity and established healthy patterns for marriage. These traits demonstrate readiness to build an enduring, loving biblical marriage. Marrying with the intent to alter or improve a partner later is unwise and may set the marriage up to fail.
Do Not Ignore Red Flags
When evaluating a potential spouse, dealbreakers and warning signs deserve serious consideration, not casual dismissal. Infatuation can prompt justifying or downplaying behaviors that will damage marriage over time. In dating, fascination influences objectivity (Proverbs 18:17).
Scripture gives stern warnings against foolishness, violence, drunkenness, sexual immorality and unfaithfulness (Proverbs 13:20, 21:19, 23:29-35, 1 Corinthians 6:9-10). These behaviors destroy trust and stability in marriage. Even if not fully expressed during dating, tendencies in these areas are not easily overcome once married.
“Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm” (Proverbs 13:20). Marrying someone engaged in destructive patterns is unwise. Without repentance and life change, marriage will likely exacerbate these behaviors, leading to relationship breakdown and trauma. Ignoring red flags sets the marriage up for hardship and heartbreak.
Wait on God’s Clear Green Light
When seeking a spouse, God’s explicit direction and confirmation carries more weight than fluctuating emotions or circumstantial signs. Scripture warns against running ahead instead of waiting on the Lord’s timing and clear guidance (Isaiah 64:4, Habakkuk 2:3).
God promises to lead and guide those who walk uprightly (Psalm 32:8). He also faithfully answers prayers for direction when we ask according to His will (1 John 5:14-15, James 1:5-8). If we are walking closely with Him, He will confirm His chosen spouse in ways that prompt lasting confidence, not just temporary feelings.
God’s peace that passes all understanding will accompany His best, not just intense emotions (Philippians 4:6-7, Colossians 3:15). Seeking and waiting for His supernatural peace protects from counterfeit relationships and lifelong regrets. Patience is key both in timing and selection.
Commit Fully to God’s Choice with Patient Endurance
When certain God has confirmed His chosen spouse, we can have confidence knowing He coordinates all things for good (Romans 8:28). While no marriage is perfect, unity with His choice allows maximum grace, purpose and blessing in the union.
However, all marriages face challenges requiring sacrificial love. Feelings fluctuate. Unmet expectations, unwise assumptions and impaired communication create conflict. No spouse is perfect, or perfectly fulfills their partner’s needs and desires.
During hard times, Scripture calls spouses to patient endurance through faith in God (Hebrews 12:1-3, James 1:2-4). Staying anchored in biblical principles sustains when emotions waver. His grace renews when human efforts fail (2 Corinthians 12:9-10). Nurturing spiritual intimacy keeps Christ at the center through every season.
When aligned with God’s direction, we can trust His assignment and equipping for marriage, even amidst imperfection. “And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ” (Philippians 1:6). His purposes prevail when we submit fully to His ways.
Remember that Every Marriage Requires Effort and Sacrifice
Even wonderful, godly marriages take constant work and sacrifice. No marriage thrives automatically. Spouses must choose to love when feelings fade, forgiveness when offended, and service when tired or stressed. Laying down selfishness, pride and comfort-seeking tendencies enables oneness.
Marriage highlights areas where we fall short of biblical ideals. But this exposure is meant for growth and maturity. “Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another” (Proverbs 27:17). Marriage relationships refine character and Christlike love when rooted in Scripture.
The Bible continually encourages perseverance despite imperfect relationships and circumstances. “And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up” (Galatians 6:9). Consistently applying biblical principles allows love and intimacy to deepen over decades.
Summary Principles
Choosing a godly spouse requires much prayerful discernment. No formula guarantees a perfect match. However, the following principles offer helpful Scriptural guidance:
- Seek the Lord wholeheartedly first and ask for His supernatural wisdom and direction.
- Prioritize spiritual connection and biblical compatibility.
- Evaluate character, integrity and life patterns, not charm alone.
- Assess communication, conflict management and general compatibility.
- Consider maturity, responsibility and life skills demonstrating readiness.
- Look for mutual servanthood, humility and sacrifice.
- Seek and carefully weigh confirmatory counsel and premarital guidance.
- Listen to concerns from loved ones and mentors with humility.
- Do not try to change or fix a potential spouse.
- Do not ignore or downplay red flags and warning signs.
- Wait on God’s clear direction before pursuing marriage.
- Commit fully to God’s choice with patient endurance amidst imperfection.
- Remember that sacrifice and effort are required in every marriage.
Choosing a marriage partner prayerfully and aligned with Scripture prepares the way for an intimate, lifelong union glorifying to God. Though no spouse is perfect, wisdom and discernment can aid in finding one well-suited for sharing life’s joys and trials. With the Holy Spirit’s guidance and abundant Christian counsel, believers can have confidence in God’s choice and assignment of a spouse equipped to walk faithfully together.