Having a child is one of the most profound desires and life-changing decisions a married couple can make. When one spouse longs for a baby but the other does not, it can lead to deep hurt, disappointment and conflict in the marriage.
The Bible does not specifically address this situation, as it speaks more broadly about God’s design for marriage and parenting. However, there are biblical principles we can apply when spouses are not on the same page regarding children.
Understand your spouse’s perspective
First, it’s important to understand where your spouse is coming from. There can be many valid reasons why one spouse may not feel ready for children, such as:
- Financial concerns
- Career or educational goals
- Fears about parenting responsibilities
- Concerns about lack of freedom and independence
- Not feeling emotionally ready
- Worries about physical complications of pregnancy
- Struggles in the marriage that need to be worked through first
Your spouse may have worries or reservations you were not fully aware of. The Bible advises spouses to be “quick to listen, slow to speak” (James 1:19). Seek to understand your spouse’s perspective with patience and compassion.
Communicate openly and honestly
Bring this important subject into the light through gentle, thoughtful discussion. Share your hearts openly and explain your desires, concerns and reasoning. “Let each of you speak the truth with his neighbor” (Ephesians 4:25).
Avoid pressuring, scolding or resenting your spouse. “Love is patient and kind…it is not rude, it is not self-seeking” (1 Corinthians 13:4-5). Even when you disagree, keep loving and honoring one another.
Consider counsel from mentors and advisers
This sensitive topic may require some outside guidance. Seek counsel from spiritually mature Christian mentors you both trust – your pastor, small group leader or a godly couple you admire (Proverbs 11:14). Be open to their perspectives.
You may also benefit from meeting with a licensed Christian counselor. “Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety” (Proverbs 11:14). Work through any underlying issues with professional help.
Look to God for wisdom and alignment
Ultimately, bring this dilemma to the Lord in earnest prayer. Ask God for wisdom, clarity and unified direction for your marriage and family planning (James 1:5). Submit your desires to Him, accepting that His plans for you might look different than your own (Proverbs 3:5-6).
“Let two or three prophets speak, and let the others weigh what is said. If a revelation is made to another sitting there, let the first be silent.” (1 Corinthians 14:29-30). Be open to how God may speak through your spouse.
Explore biblical principles on marriage and parenting
God designed marriage for intimate companionship and joining as one flesh (Genesis 2:24). Children are a sacred blessing to couples joined in this covenant. However, the Bible presents having offspring as a general mandate for humanity over time, not necessarily an obligation for every couple.
The Bible also gives principles for wise timing of pregnancies. In ancient Israel, men were instructed not to go to war in the first year of marriage so they could “be free at home one year to be happy with his wife” (Deuteronomy 24:5). This implies the wisdom of allowing married couples intimate time to bond before introducing the blessings and demands of parenthood.
Paul encouraged unmarried adults to remain single, as they can devote themselves more fully to God’s work without familial demands (1 Corinthians 7:32-35). Some couples today prayerfully decide to “parent” through mentoring, teaching, ministry work and other nurturing roles besides biological children.
Consider your motives
Honestly evaluate what’s driving your desire for a child. God calls husbands and wives to lay down selfishness and pride in order to become one in purpose (Ephesians 5:31). Here are some questions to prayerfully reflect on:
- Am I wanting a child for me, or for us?
- Am I trying to control or manipulate my spouse, or respectfully love them?
- Is having a baby fulfilling an emotional need or void in me?
- Am I truly listening to my spouse’s heart and feelings?
Keep your motives rooted in love for your spouse and desire for God’s glory above all else (1 Corinthians 10:31).
Explore alternatives such as adoption
For couples who are not able to conceive, or in which one spouse does not wish to have a biological child, adoption can be a beautiful reflection of God’s love. As adoptive parents we mirror our Heavenly Father, who “adopts” believers as His cherished children through Christ (Ephesians 1:5).
Many children in need of families are available for adoption. Seek wise counsel as you prayerfully consider this option together (James 1:5).
Trust God’s timing and sovereignty
As you and your spouse humbly seek the Lord together, trust that He will guide you rightly in His perfect timing (Proverbs 3:5-6). God promises to work all things – even disappointments like delayed motherhood – for our good (Romans 8:28).
Remember that our lives and marriages exist first for God’s glory, not our fulfillment. Keep your hope in Christ and His power to redeem any trial or pain. “Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory…” (Ephesians 3:20-21).
Wait patiently for your spouse to become ready
For couples in which one spouse desires children while the other does not feel ready, the one who desires children can wait patiently for their spouse’s heart to change in time. Commit to loving your spouse unconditionally in the present.
Focus on strengthening your marriage through spiritual intimacy, communication, acts of service, quality time together, and physical affection. As you do, your spouse’s hesitation may gradually give way to openness down the road. “Let your gentle spirit be known to all” (Philippians 4:5).
However, you may face a painful situation where your spouse never feels comfortable having children. This may require very difficult soul searching about whether the marriage can survive such misaligned desires about family. Seek much prayer and counsel to sensitively navigate this.
Consider living out your nurturing in other ways
If children do not come, God may expand your capacity to “parent” and nurture others through:
- Mentoring younger believers
- Volunteering with youth
- Hosting students or young adults
- Teaching children at church
- Caring for nieces, nephews or friend’s kids
- Showing hospitality and generosity
- Filling other nurturing roles
“As we have opportunity, let us do good to everyone, and especially to those who are of the household of faith” (Galatians 6:10). Find meaningful ways to invest in others.
Draw closer to your spouse through the journey
Most importantly, let this sensitive trial deepen your love, empathy and partnership. Let it refine your faith and readiness to sacrifice self for your spouse.
“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” (2 Corinthians 12:9). God’s strength and joy is always available despite disappointment. Let Him sustain you and surprise you as you walk in hope together.
In summary, when spouses disagree about having children: Seek to understand your spouse’s perspective; communicate openly and honestly; pray for wisdom and unity; explore counseling and compromise; trust God’s timing and sovereignty; focus on strengthening your marriage; look for creative ways to express nurturing until you both feel at peace about this decision. God bless you!