The question of whether a married person should have a close friend of the opposite sex is an important one for Christians seeking to honor God through their relationships. This article will examine what the Bible teaches on this topic.
First, it is helpful to define what constitutes a “close” friend. A close friend is someone you share personal details of your life with, confide in, spend significant time alone with, and have a deep emotional connection to. This is different than a casual friendship or acquaintance.
The Bible does not explicitly prohibit close opposite-sex friendships. However, there are several biblical principles that provide wisdom for navigating these relationships.
1. Guard your heart – The book of Proverbs frequently warns about the dangers of adultery and sexual sin (Proverbs 5:1-23, 6:20-35, 7:1-27). Married people must be vigilant to protect their minds and hearts from emotional and physical entanglements with people other than their spouse. Spending large amounts of time alone with an attractive friend of the opposite sex can gradually turn a godly friendship into an unhealthy emotional attachment.
2. Avoid temptation – In Matthew 26:41 Jesus tells his disciples to “watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation.” While temptation itself is not sin, putting oneself repeatedly in tempting situations is unwise. For example, meeting alone late at night for heart-to-heart conversations could create an opportunity for inappropriate emotional or physical intimacy to develop over time. As Hebrews 3:13 says, believers should encourage each other daily so “that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness.”
3. Be accountable – 1 Thessalonians 5:22 instructs believers to “avoid every kind of evil.” Having trusted friends and mentors provide insight about your close opposite-sex friendships provides important accountability. Do those around you see any concerning patterns or have feedback about the nature of the friendship? A willingness to hear from others demonstrates humility and wisdom.
4. Prioritize your marriage – Ephesians 5:25 commands husbands to “love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” A marriage relationship requires constant nurture and investment of time. Close opposite-sex friendships should not detract from or compete with the primary earthly commitment of loving one’s spouse. Friendships that frequently cause conflict in the marriage definitely require adjustment or ending.
5. Consider appearances – In 2 Corinthians 8:21 Paul urges Christians to “provide for what is honorable not only in the Lord’s sight but also in the sight of man.” Although opposite-sex friendships may not be sinful, how do they appear to family members and others around you? Does the friendship raise questions or suspicions? Situations that may be easily misunderstood should be avoided.
6. Examine motives – A married individual should carefully and honestly evaluate why they desire close friendships outside of marriage. Does this fill a void or need not currently being met by one’s spouse? Does it stem from discontentment with God’s provision of a spouse (Philippians 4:11-13)? The state of one’s heart is incredibly important in this discussion.
7. Communicate with your spouse – As fellow heirs of God’s grace (1 Peter 3:7), husbands and wives should freely share their feelings about outside friendships. A firm commitment to open conversations creates trust in the relationship. Requesting permission and graciously responding demonstrates care for a spouse’s perspective. Unity in marriage is to be prioritized over personal desires (Ephesians 5:31).
8. Consider doing things as couples or groups – If an opposite-sex friendship is appropriate, including one’s spouse frequently or even transitioning to group activities can strengthen bonds between all individuals involved. “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another” (Proverbs 27:17). Quality friendships reinforce marriage rather than compete with it.
In summary, the Bible does not forbid opposite-sex friendships but offers principles for protecting marriage and honoring God in them. Out of love for their spouse, an abundance of caution in potentially tempting situations, and to avoid misunderstandings, Christians in marriage should carefully consider the implications of pursuing close friendships outside of marriage. Seeking godly wisdom, living transparently, and prizing one’s marriage vows above all else will lead to decisions that honor both God and spouse.
Proverbs 27:17 As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.
Proverbs 5:1-23 – Warning Against Adultery
1 My son, pay attention to my wisdom,
turn your ear to my words of insight,
2 that you may maintain discretion
and your lips may preserve knowledge.
3 For the lips of the adulterous woman drip honey,
and her speech is smoother than oil;
4 but in the end she is bitter as gall,
sharp as a double-edged sword.
5 Her feet go down to death;
her steps lead straight to the grave.
6 She gives no thought to the way of life;
her paths wander aimlessly, but she does not know it.
7 Now then, my sons, listen to me;
do not turn aside from what I say.
8 Keep to a path far from her,
do not go near the door of her house,
9 lest you lose your honor to others
and your dignity[a] to one who is cruel,
10 lest strangers feast on your wealth
and your toil enrich the house of another.
11 At the end of your life you will groan,
when your flesh and body are spent.
12 You will say, “How I hated discipline!
How my heart spurned correction!
13 I would not obey my teachers
or turn my ear to my instructors.
14 And I was soon in serious trouble
in the assembly of God’s people.”
15 Drink water from your own cistern,
running water from your own well.
16 Should your springs overflow in the streets,
your streams of water in the public squares?
17 Let them be yours alone,
never to be shared with strangers.
18 May your fountain be blessed,
and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth.
19 A loving doe, a graceful deer—
may her breasts satisfy you always,
may you ever be intoxicated with her love.
20 Why, my son, be intoxicated with another man’s wife?
Why embrace the bosom of a wayward woman?
21 For your ways are in full view of the Lord,
and he examines all your paths.
22 The evil deeds of the wicked ensnare them;
the cords of their sins hold them fast.
23 For lack of discipline they will die,
led astray by their own great folly.
Proverbs 6:20-35 – Warning Against Adultery
20 My son, keep your father’s command
and do not forsake your mother’s teaching.
21 Bind them always on your heart;
fasten them around your neck.
22 When you walk, they will guide you;
when you sleep, they will watch over you;
when you awake, they will speak to you.
23 For this command is a lamp,
this teaching is a light,
and correction and instruction
are the way to life,
24 keeping you from your neighbor’s wife,
from the smooth talk of a wayward woman.
25 Do not lust in your heart after her beauty
or let her captivate you with her eyes.
26 For a prostitute can be had for a loaf of bread,
but another man’s wife preys on your very life.
27 Can a man scoop fire into his lap
without his clothes being burned?
28 Can a man walk on hot coals
without his feet being scorched?
29 So is he who sleeps with another man’s wife;
no one who touches her will go unpunished.
30 People do not despise a thief if he steals
to satisfy his hunger when he is starving.
31 Yet if he is caught, he must pay sevenfold,
though it costs him all the wealth of his house.
32 But a man who commits adultery has no sense;
whoever does so destroys himself.
33 Blows and disgrace are his lot,
and his shame will never be wiped away.
34 For jealousy arouses a husband’s fury,
and he will show no mercy when he takes revenge.
35 He will not accept any compensation;
he will refuse a bribe, however great it is.
Proverbs 7:1-27 – Warning Against the Adulteress
1 My son, keep my words
and store up my commands within you.
2 Keep my commands and you will live;
guard my teachings as the apple of your eye.
3 Bind them on your fingers;
write them on the tablet of your heart.
4 Say to wisdom, “You are my sister,”
and to insight, “You are my relative.”
5 They will keep you from the adulterous woman,
from the wayward woman with her seductive words.
6 At the window of my house
I looked down through the lattice.
7 I saw among the simple,
I noticed among the young men,
a youth who had no sense.
8 He was going down the street near her corner,
walking along in the direction of her house
9 at twilight, as the day was fading,
as the dark of night set in.
10 Then out came a woman to meet him,
dressed like a prostitute and with crafty intent.
11 (She is unruly and defiant,
her feet never stay at home;
12 now in the street, now in the squares,
at every corner she lurks.)
13 She took hold of him and kissed him
and with a brazen face she said:
14 “Today I fulfilled my vows,
and I have food from my fellowship offering at home.
15 So I came out to meet you;
I looked for you and have found you!
16 I have covered my bed
with colored linens from Egypt.
17 I have perfumed my bed
with myrrh, aloes and cinnamon.
18 Come, let’s drink deeply of love till morning;
let’s enjoy ourselves with love!
19 My husband is not at home;
he has gone on a long journey.
20 He took his purse filled with money
and will not be home till full moon.”
21 With persuasive words she led him astray;
she seduced him with her smooth talk.
22 All at once he followed her
like an ox going to the slaughter,
like a deer[a] stepping into a noose[b]
23 till an arrow pierces his liver,
like a bird darting into a snare,
little knowing it will cost him his life.
24 Now then, my sons, listen to me;
pay attention to what I say.
25 Do not let your heart turn to her ways
or stray into her paths.
26 Many are the victims she has brought down;
her slain are a mighty throng.
27 Her house is a highway to the grave,
leading down to the chambers of death.
Matthew 26:41 –
“Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.”
Hebrews 3:13 –
But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called “Today,” so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness.
1 Thessalonians 5:22 –
Reject every kind of evil.
Ephesians 5:25 –
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her
2 Corinthians 8:21 –
For we are taking pains to do what is right, not only in the eyes of the Lord but also in the eyes of man.
Philippians 4:11-13 –
11 I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. 12 I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength.
1 Peter 3:7 –
Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.
Ephesians 5:31 –
“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”
Having opposite-sex friends outside of marriage requires wisdom, careful boundaries, and consideration of how these relationships may impact your marriage. The principles found in Scripture offer guidance for nurturing your marriage first and keeping your heart devoted to your spouse.
With open communication, transparency, accountability, prioritizing time with your spouse, meeting in groups, and considering appearances, opposite-sex friendships can absolutely be maintained in a way that honors Christ. However, it is also important to recognize potential danger signs like secrecy, excessive time alone with that friend, and seeking emotional intimacy that should be reserved for your marriage alone.
Pursuing close opposite-sex friendships simply for the sake of having that type of relationship may not be prudent or beneficial if it risks leading your heart astray. Our hearts are prone to wander. But when we pursue God first and invest in our marriages, we can avoid much heartache and regret.
Every marriage is different, so the boundaries in opposite-sex friendships should be prayerfully considered between spouses. It may be wise to limit one’s interactions or not initiate new close friendships at all during certain seasons of life when marriage needs take greater priority or require nurturing.
In cultures where emotional intimacy is expressed verbally between friends of the same and opposite sex, additional care is needed. Words of love or flattery that would usually be reserved for one’s spouse should be avoided to prevent misinterpretations by others.
Singles must also guard their hearts in opposite-sex relationships. The principles in Scripture protect us from sexual sin and broken hearts in any season of life. Knowing your vulnerabilities and being vigilant against temptation applies to every believer.
God designed marriage to mirror the love Christ has for the Church. When we honor that covenant relationship above all others, we live out that divine purpose successfully.