The concept of “love languages” was popularized by Gary Chapman in his 1992 book The Five Love Languages. According to Chapman, people give and receive love in five primary ways, or “languages”: words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch.
The Bible does not explicitly mention “five love languages,” but it has much to say about love and how we can express it. By exploring relevant biblical principles, we can gain insight into how the five love languages manifest in healthy relationships.
Words of Affirmation
Words of affirmation means using spoken and written words to build up and encourage others. The Bible emphasizes the power of our words and teaches that we should use them to bless and edify others.
“Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.” (Ephesians 4:29)
“Anxiety in a man’s heart weighs him down, but a good word makes him glad.” (Proverbs 12:25)
We affirm and encourage others by expressing love, praise, gratitude, and support. Our words can be a source of life and motivation or demoralization and destruction. As Christians, we should make intentional efforts to affirm those around us.
Acts of Service
Acts of service involves doing things for your spouse like cooking, cleaning, running errands, and performing other tasks that make their life easier. The Bible advocates having a servant’s heart and looking out for others’ interests above our own.
“Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.” (Philippians 2:3-4)
“Whoever would be great among you must be your servant.” (Matthew 20:26)
We demonstrate love through service. Allowing acts of service to get out of balance in a marriage can lead to one spouse feeling taken for granted. But making service a mutual habit energizes love.
Receiving Gifts
Gift giving makes the receiver feel valued and thought of. The Bible mentions gifts given out of love and generosity.
“Each one must give as he has decided in his heart, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.” (2 Corinthians 9:7)
While Chapman focuses on material and sensory gifts, biblical gift-giving emphasizes intangible gifts like time, focused attention, acts of service, encouragement, empathy, affection, and grace. The sentiment and motivation matter most.
Quality Time
Quality time means giving your spouse your undivided attention. The Bible exhorts husbands and wives to intentionally devote time to nurturing their relationship.
“Let the wife see that she respects her husband.” (Ephesians 5:33)
“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” (Ephesians 5:25)
Setting aside regular quality time to talk, listen, have fun, and engage in activities you both enjoy deepens intimacy and connection. Technology can interfere if we allow it.
Physical Touch
Physical touch encompasses sex, affection, hugs, hand-holding, and any other way partners can be physically intimate. The Bible celebrates physical intimacy between husband and wife.
“The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.” (1 Corinthians 7:3-4)
“Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth, a lovely deer, a graceful doe. May her breasts satisfy you at all times; may you be intoxicated always by her love.” (Proverbs 5:18-19)
Physical touch brings partners closer, linking biological and spiritual bonding. It conveys affection, security, and joy. Married couples should make physical intimacy a consistent priority.
Using the Languages
Identifying your spouse’s primary love language(s) and intentionally expressing love in those ways can enhance emotional connection. But remember, the languages overlap substantially. Use a mix of verbal affirmation, acts of service, quality time, thoughtful gifts, and physical touch.
The love languages also apply beyond marriage, like in familial, platonic, and church relationships. We can thoughtfully express love to others in the ways most meaningful to them.
Biblical Love
While the five love languages provide a useful framework, true Christlike love transcends any one language. Biblical love is patient, kind, unselfish, forgiving, earnest, protective, trusting, hopeful, enduring. It rejoices in truth and perseveres (1 Corinthians 13:4-7).
The languages give us practical ways to express sacrificial, other-focused love. But we must guard against treating them legalistically, keeping score, or replacing agape love with superficial sentimentality.
The languages should reflect our sincere desire to emulate Jesus’ generous love in service to our spouse. Marital love models Christ’s love for the church (Ephesians 5:25). It is rooted in reverence for God (Ephesians 5:21).
When our words and deeds flow from a heart filled with the Holy Spirit, they overflow with divine love. The languages then become vehicles through which God’s love enters our marriages and blesses our spouses.
Seeking Connection
Discovering your spouse’s native tongue provides insight into making them feel most loved and secure in your marriage. But their needs may change over time, so continue checking in. Loving well also requires knowing yourself–your own tanks and tendencies.
At times expressing love will feel challenging or inconvenient. But with the Spirit’s help, persistently loving your spouse in their language will foster intimacy. A healthy marriage takes work, but the rewards are immeasurable.
If you feel relationally disconnected, don’t despair. Start small, show humility, persevere in love, seek counsel if needed, and pray for wisdom and revival in your marriage. God can resurrect the deadest of relationships. Seasons change, but God’s love endures forever.