Controlling people can be difficult to deal with. The Bible offers wisdom and guidance on how believers should respond when faced with controlling behavior from others.
Recognize that ultimate control belongs to God
The Bible teaches that God is sovereign over all things. He is in control, not us. Psalms 47:2 says, “For the Lord Most High is awesome; he is a great king over all the earth.” We can find comfort knowing that even controlling people are under God’s authority.
Examine your own heart first
When confronted by a controlling person, our natural response may be to get angry or resentful. However, the Bible advises us to first examine our own hearts. Matthew 7:3-5 warns against judging others while ignoring our own flaws and failures. We should ask God to reveal any areas of pride, insecurity, or sin in our own lives when dealing with controlling people.
Set healthy boundaries
Setting clear boundaries can help minimize the impact of controlling behavior on our lives. For example, if a person tries to control our schedule, we can politely refuse while being careful not to sin in response (Ephesians 4:26-27). Setting healthy boundaries honors both parties without enabling dysfunction.
Seek to serve, not control
Controlling people often want power over others. As believers, we should follow Jesus’ example by gently serving people rather than seeking control. Philippians 2:3-4 says to consider others more significant than ourselves and look to their interests rather than just our own.
Pray for and bless those who mistreat you
The Bible instructs us to pray for and extend kindness to those who wrong us, even controlling people. Luke 6:27-28 tells us to love our enemies, do good to them, and bless them. This demonstrates God’s grace and can be convicting in a positive way.
Value humility and trust God’s timing
Humility helps us patiently endure mistreatment from controlling people. 1 Peter 3:8 says, “Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind.” Trusting God’s perfect timing also prevents us from taking matters into our own hands.
Confront in love if necessary
If controlling behavior escalates, loving confrontation may be needed. Galatians 6:1 says, “Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness.” Confrontation should be done in humility, love, and with the aim of restoration.
Separate if unacceptable behavior continues
The Bible permits separating from persistently divisive or controlling people. Romans 16:17 instructs, “I appeal to you, brothers, to watch out for those who cause divisions and create obstacles contrary to the doctrine that you have been taught; avoid them.” This protects us from undue harm.
Trust the Holy Spirit for strength and discernment
Dealing with controlling people is difficult, but God promises to supply strength, discernment, and rest when we seek Him. Isaiah 30:15 says, “In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength.” Relying on the Holy Spirit enables us to respond wisely.
Model the love and grace of Christ
Above all, believers are called to follow Jesus’ example and treat controlling people with love and grace. Ephesians 4:32 tells us to “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” Our conduct should point them to the Savior.
In summary, the Bible provides much wise guidance for dealing with controlling people. Responding in humility, establishing boundaries, praying, serving, and showing grace help limit the damage caused by controlling behavior. Most importantly, we must remember that God is ultimately in control even when people try to control us.
The Bible contains numerous examples of godly people enduring mistreatment from more powerful or manipulative people. Joseph was sold into slavery by his jealous brothers (Genesis 37:12-36). David refused to harm Saul even when Saul sought to kill him (1 Samuel 24). Jesus endured false accusations and crucifixion without retaliation. Studying how biblical heroes responded to controlling behavior with patience, faith, and love can inspire us to follow their example.
Here are some other key verses about dealing with controlling people:
– Proverbs 26:4 – “Answer not a fool according to his folly, lest you be like him yourself.”
– Titus 3:2 – “To speak evil of no one, to avoid quarreling, to be gentle, and to show perfect courtesy toward all people.”
– Proverbs 21:19 – “It is better to live in a desert land than with a quarrelsome and fretful woman.”
– 2 Timothy 2:23-26 – “Have nothing to do with foolish, ignorant controversies; you know that they breed quarrels. And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone, able to teach, patiently enduring evil, correcting his opponents with gentleness. God may perhaps grant them repentance leading to a knowledge of the truth, and they may come to their senses and escape from the snare of the devil, after being captured by him to do his will.”
– Ephesians 5:15-16 – “Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil.”
– Psalm 37:7-8 – “Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him; fret not yourself over the one who prospers in his way, over the man who carries out evil devices!”
– Proverbs 3:5-6 – “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.”
Controlling people often derive their sense of power and importance from exerting dominance over others. However, as Christians we know that true power comes from God alone. Our identity rests in Christ, not the approval or opinions of others. Clinging to this spiritual perspective allows us to respond wisely when confronted by controlling behavior.
It can be helpful to understand the root motivations behind controlling tendencies. Here are some potential reasons why people display controlling behavior:
- Insecurity – Controlling people may not feel adequate on their own, so they try to manage others to feel significant.
- Trust issues – Past betrayals may drive controlling people to micromanage everything due to lack of trust.
- Need for control – Controlling tendencies may stem from a fragile ego that constantly needs to assert dominance.
- Childhood issues – Strict, authoritarian, or manipulative parents can model controlling behavior to children.
- Perfectionism – Controlling people may believe their way is the only right way and seek to impose standards.
- Learned coping mechanism – Controlling behavior can become a habitual way to deal with anxiety, uncertainty, or vulnerabilities.
When we understand what compels controlling behavior, it’s easier to respond with compassion rather than anger. We can then prayerfully discern how to set healthy boundaries.
That being said, understanding root causes does not obligate us to accept mistreatment from controlling people. The Bible is clear that abusive or manipulative behavior has no place among believers. At times it may be necessary to create physical or emotional distance from persistently controlling people for self-protection.
Here are some biblical examples of godly people setting boundaries or separating from abusive or controlling relationships:
- Abram and Lot separate due to conflict between their herdsmen (Genesis 13:1-18)
- The Israelites leave Egypt to escape slavery under Pharaoh (Exodus 14)
- Paul opposes Peter to his face when Peter’s hypocrisy is leading others astray (Galatians 2:11-14)
- Jesus instructs his followers to “shake off the dust from your feet” when people reject the gospel message (Luke 9:1-5)
Controlling relationships can become spiritually and emotionally dangerous over time. When confrontations, pleas for change, and prayers for repentance fail to stop controlling behavior, it may be time for protective separation. This prevents further manipulation and shields us from corrupt influences.
However, when setting boundaries with controlling people, Christians must be vigilant against ungodly anger, judgment, or retaliation. We don’t separate out of pride or spite, but out of a desire for growth and healing on both sides. Boundaries should prompt reflection and reliance on God, not escalating conflict.
Here are some biblical principles to guide the process of setting boundaries with controlling people:
- Act in love, not anger (1 Corinthians 13:4-5)
- Seek accountability and counsel (Proverbs 11:14)
- Attempt reconciliation if possible (Matthew 5:23-24)
- Be prepared to forgive (Colossians 3:12-13)
- Trust God to work in both parties (Philippians 2:13)
- Limit interaction if controlling behavior persists (Romans 16:17-19)
- Focus on your own repentance, not theirs (James 4:7-10)
With wisdom and God’s strength, believers can break free of controlling dynamics without yielding to hatred or perpetuating abuse. Our conduct should serve as a witness of God’s transformative love.
Here are some practical tips for dealing with controlling people based on biblical principles:
- Pray for discernment and wisdom (James 1:5)
- Establish physical and emotional boundaries as needed (Proverbs 4:14-15)
- Speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15)
- Avoid debating or arguing (Proverbs 17:14)
- Let go of the need to control them back (2 Corinthians 10:5)
- Release expectations of quick change (1 Thessalonians 5:14)
- Refuse to be manipulated by guilt or shame (1 Peter 2:16)
- Spend time with gracious, uplifting people (Colossians 3:12-13)
- Confide in trusted, mature believers for advice (Proverbs 11:14)
Implementing these strategies helps mitigate the perturbations caused by controlling people, while also avoiding the snare of ungodly responses on our part.
Dealing with controlling or manipulative people is seldom easy, but we can rest assured that Scripture equips us for handling these relationships wisely and lovingly. Let us cling to the Lord Jesus Christ as our source of freedom and find our identity solely in Him.