This is a difficult situation for any Christian to face. When a spouse announces they now identify as transgender, it can turn a marriage upside down and leave the believing spouse wondering what to do next. While there are no easy answers, God’s Word does provide wisdom and guidance for believers navigating this challenge.
Seek God First
In any trial, our first response should be to draw near to God. We can pour out our hearts to Him, praying for wisdom and direction (James 1:5). We can seek His comfort and peace in the midst of confusion and pain (Philippians 4:6-7). We can ask Him to help us process our thoughts and emotions in a godly manner (Psalm 62:8). And we can trust that He hears us and will answer according to His perfect will (1 John 5:14-15). Starting with prayer helps put us in a spiritually-grounded mindset to work through challenges in marriage.
Examine Your Own Heart
When facing a transgender identity revelation from a spouse, we may experience a range of emotions – grief, anger, betrayal, rejection. While these feelings are understandable, we must be careful not to let them turn into sinful responses like hatred, judgment or bitterness. As believers, God calls us to cultivate His fruits of “love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control” (Galatians 5:22-23). Regular Scripture reading, prayer and Christian counseling can help us maintain a right heart attitude amidst marital trials.
Seek Biblical Counseling
A wise first step after a transgender disclosure is for both spouses to pursue professional biblical counseling, either individually or together. “Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety.” (Proverbs 11:14). God often works through counselors to provide guidance, bring issues to light, grant wisdom and give hope for reconciliation. Counseling also helps sort through questions of sexual identity from a biblical perspective. Christian ministries like Focus on the Family offer counseling resources on transgenderism and marriage.
Define Counseling Goals
Biblical counseling has dual goals: to honor Christ and to pursue restoration in marriages if possible. Sessions should involve: prayer, Bible study on God’s design for gender/sexuality, discussions about root struggles, and God’s power to transform lives through the Gospel. Counseling may also help couples wrestle with hard questions about separating, divorce, custody arrangements and more based on biblical principles. The believing spouse must evaluate if the husband/wife seems open to biblical counsel and reconciling the marriage according to God’s standards.
Establish Biblical Boundaries
Marriages can only thrive when both spouses live by God’s Word. The believing spouse has the right and responsibility to establish biblical directives for the marriage. These may include: no cross-dressing, no hormone treatment/surgery, only using the name/pronouns God gave at birth, keeping bathrooms/bedrooms private, no LGBTQ+ friendships/activities, internet filters, etc. While a transgender spouse may reject these boundaries, it is wise to lovingly insist upon moral conduct in line with God’s design. Unrepentant immoral choices may necessitate temporary separation.
Avoid Enabling Sin
The Bible warns believers not to participate in or approve of immoral behavior (Ephesians 5:11, Romans 1:32). As such, Christian spouses should not enable transgenderism to continue unchecked. We must never compromise our conviction that God beautifully and intentionally created humans male and female (Genesis 1:27). It is possible to love struggling spouses while firmly holding to biblical truths and sexual ethics. We must care enough to plead with them to repent and obey Christ, always leaving the door open for restoration.
Protect Children
When transgenderism enters a marriage, it impacts the entire family system. Christian parents must act to prevent children from being exposed to unbiblical LGBTQ+ narratives or the confusion of a transgender parent. Leaning on the counsel of pastors and Christian professionals can guide parents to make wise choices shielding kids. This may include changes to child custody arrangements if the transgender spouse refuses to respect moral safeguards.
Weigh the Biblical Grounds for Separation/Divorce
There are divergent views on separation/divorce when a spouse identifies as transgender. Some believe pursuing a legal divorce is the only recourse. Others see divorce as a last resort, advising temporary separations first. Post-separation, some spouses choose to indefinitely remain married but refuse to enable transgenderism. Each couple must make their own decision with much prayer and wise counsel (see 1 Corinthians 7, Matthew 19:1-12). The believing spouse must carefully weigh if the husband/wife’s choices exhibit unrepentant sexual immorality constituting abandonment of the marriage covenant and grounds for divorce.
Remain Steadfast, Serve Faithfully
No matter what happens, believers must cling to Christ through painful trials in marriage. We can rest in God’s sovereignty knowing He works all things for our good (Romans 8:28). We can fall back on His promise never to forsake us (Deuteronomy 31:8). And we can keep seeking His Kingdom above all else, trusting He will meet our needs (Matthew 6:33). God is pleased when we serve our spouses faithfully even in the midst of difficulties (1 Peter 2:18-23). Consistently loving and praying for prodigal spouses may lead to transformative breakthroughs.
Find Support in Christian Community
Handling marriage trials alone can be overwhelming. God reminds believers to “carry each other’s burdens” (Galatians 6:2). We desperately need Christian fellowship and counsel as we shoulder heavy marital burdens. Close friends and pastors can provide much-needed prayer support and encouragement. Support groups help connect with others facing similar challenges. And the Church body can surround us with the faith, strength and hope we need to persevere. We must allow loving Christian community to uplift and uphold us.
Rest in God’s Revelation and Design
When marriages and identities seem fractured, we can find comfort resting in God’s clear revelation about gender and sexuality in Scripture. He ordains there are only two sexes, male and female, which together uniquely reflect His image (Genesis 1:27). He establishes fixed, unchanging gender roles in Creation (1 Corinthians 11:7-9). And He definitively states gay, transgender and other non-heterosexual behaviors are morally wrong, while holy heterosexual marriage alone is good (Romans 1:26-27). No personal feelings or cultural trends can alter these fundamental biblical truths.
Trust God’s Purposes and Promises
It’s crucial for believers to remember God’s higher purposes in trials. He promises to use suffering to grow our faith and refine us to be more like Christ (Romans 5:3-5, James 1:2-4). He assures He will complete His perfect plan of redemption in each of our lives (Philippians 1:6). And He guarantees working all marital troubles – even potential separation or divorce – for our eternal good (2 Corinthians 4:17). As we walk through transgender-related griefs in marriage, we can fully trust that God will use it for our sanctification and redemption. He is faithful.
Hope in God’s Power to Redeem and Restore
There is always hope because God specializes in redeeming what is broken and restoring what seems lost (Joel 2:25). He delights in imparting spiritual life where there is only death (Ephesians 2:4-5). He can make a way forward in marriages where no way seems possible. Jesus Christ came to set captives free (Luke 4:18), delivering people from bondage to sin. There are powerful testimonies of spouses repenting after transgender lifestyles and marriages being revitalized by the Gospel. We serve a God of miracles, reconciliation and renewal.
Walking through transgender disclosures requires much biblical wisdom, strength and grace. Christian spouses navigating these crises are greatly loved by God. As His children, we can have full confidence that He will guide, sustain and work mightily through any marital trials we face when anchored in Him. He promises to never leave or forsake His own, but to walk faithfully at our side no matter the path ahead.